Poetry: Stepping Forward

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Photo taken at Mottisfont, UK

Moving, causing pain that will never leave my mind.
Forever apart of me, it will never disappear from sight.
The subconscious, the eye behind the eyelid, watches endlessly.
A motion I do not desire, forward, I urge to not move.

Change, away from the same, away from the safety.
Each day propels me to alter myself, a tiresome effort with little payoff.
Expectations lead me to doubt, my wants crumble at my feet.
Recapturing the pieces of a broken heart, with no substances can put back together.

Shifting, the numbness of my arm, I’ve laid too long.
Struggling against the temptation to ease the agony, resistance—my friend.
A heavy body I push to keep still, yet, the weight of emotions escalates.
Awareness of my lack of awareness, the darkness is where I reside.

Ahead, the unknown waiting for, frozen in my foot steps.
Gripped by the fear of stepping forward, I paralyze my own limbs in a coma.
Daring not to dream, I don’t want my prize.
My own light, my own shadows, I walk the line of al-oneness.

Theories: Triad Relationships

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Photo from theatlantic.com

Throughout mainstream media, society, and in our personal life, we all know that in relationships there is “supposed” to be one man and one woman or— what’s becoming more and more acceptable these days— same sex couples. However, there are relationships out there that have more than two people in them, and I’m not talking about open relationships, or the infamous threesomes. I’m talking about an actual relationship that has three people engaged in an equal exchange of physical and emotional connections. At the same time, what I’ll be writing about is my personal theory in the how a triad relationship can work and the general requirements for it to be successful. A lot of this is coming from my own perspective, I’ve spent a lot of time meditating in the past three years and connecting with my own heart, clearing out the social conditioning and pressures to see the vast potential in a union such as a triad. I want to be clear as well that this subject matter is not full on polyamory, much rather, a joining of hearts in a way that would only magnify what already is in the traditional one-man one-woman scenario. Furthermore, I’ll be discussing this based on a triad that consists of two women and one man. As I believe, with a combination of two-women one-man triad relationship, there is a higher potential for it working more successfully. I am not saying this is the case in all situations, but, as I’ve seen from many observations I’ve made throughout my life, women connect on a deeper level with other women rather than men to men. Granted if a man in a triad is open to the idea of another man, the situation is left open for interpretation, as is for all the other combinations.

In any “normal” relationship there is the exchange of love, support, compassion, carrying out house chores and taking vacations together. With a triad, it’s the same exact thing but with a third party. I know what you’re thinking, why a third person? However, a better questions is, why “not” a third person? Having a third person creates a greater dynamic in various situations a one-to-one relationship wouldn’t have. Often times in a one-to-one relationship, disagreements arises where you have both people reacting to each other as if it were a fifteen minute ping pong match. Majority of the time, in the heat of the moment, two angry people are screaming at each other until someone backs down and really starts listening; or worse, gives up. In other times that same heated situation can last for days or months and eventually there is a separation. On the other hand, having a third person increases the chance of there being a mediator, thus, arguments are had and there’s a higher chance of peace being made because that third person can hear what the first two are in conflict about.

One of the major qualities of having a triad relationship is the exchange of love. I’m not talking sex, I’m talking about raw love energy. Imagine feeling disappointed about not getting a job promotion you’ve work really hard to get, or feeling insecure because your art work didn’t get the amount of positive feedback you had hoped for. Receiving the love and support from two people you love equally has a huge amount of potential for making you feel comforted, accepted and encouraged in an instant—for a longer period of time. Imagine how a child would feel with this amount of love and compassion coming from two mothers—the idea of this alone presents a plausible reason for having a triad relationship. Also, that’s not to mention the practicality of it all; less rent to pay, twice the cuddles, twice the hugs, someone being there for the children, always having someone to talk to, and to top it all off; the potential for amazing sex.

The biggest reason that a triad wouldn’t work, would be primarily due to a lack of communication, secondly, close-mindedness. Just like in a one-to-one relationship, communicating is key—not just talking about any old thing, but talking about true feelings. If the members entering a triad don’t have a good handle on communicating their feelings, any one can be pushed out or be left feeling like the third wheel. A consistent flow of stating what each member wants and needs, and what their goals and

 Photo from theprodentist.com

Photo from theprodentist.com

plans are is essential for it to be a successful relationship. Lets face it, there will be times where each member will have moments of insecurity, embarrassment and shame, just like in a one-to-one. It takes a very open-minded person to even explore a triad, so if your mind is already closed to it, then it’s not the best thing to get into. Thinking only on the sexual parts and not the emotional parts will bite you on the butt harder than an angry Rottweiler. Just be prepared to face shadows that will arise within a triad relationship — they will hit you quickly.

What brought me to this conclusion that a triad is beneficial was due to many self-realisations and basic logic. As I’ve mentioned, I meditate often. When you meditate often enough, you start peeling away the social and parental domestications that are put in place during childhood. Watching T.V. movies, real life people and over hearing conversations; we all are under the influence and pressure of what other people think and say. Meditation connects you with your core self, dissolving the introjections that were infused into the mind by society and the people closest to us. The ideas, of what “should” be, that you once thought were you own, were actually someone else’s— probably someone from eons ago. This is what I’ve discovered in myself: connections, relationships and love are not limited to a one-to-one relationship and can be so much more enriching with a third. The extra additive of perspective, love and joy is as great as having a warm fudge brownie with strawberry ice cream and caramel syrup. At the same time a triad works with all members on the same level of thinking and is exclusive to each other. I don’t consider it being a playground for sexual pleasures, its to really connect on a spiritual, mental and emotional level.

You’re probably thinking, what is so wrong with a one-to-one relationship? Absolutely nothing! If that’s your preference, then it’s your choice; however, is that preference based on your own idea or the ideas of another long past? In retrospect, it doesn’t really matter at all, yet, a triad relationship has an ample amount of potential for enhancing the way we view ourselves and the world when it comes to love and making emotional connections. Triad relationships could be the next evolutionary step in bringing a more harmonious way of living for all of man-kind.

England Thus Far

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Photo taken at Mottisfont, UK

In a few weeks it’ll be six months since I’ve moved from NYC to Southampton, UK, holy crap has the time been zipping by. It should be a crime for time to be going to fast—write time a ticket!

Being a lovely place to live in, Southampton is a great place to ground yourself off of the super fast paced city life. It’s wonderful to be able to look outside my window and see a field of grass and trees. The house I lived in the Bronx, looking out I would see the white, dingy exterior of the house next to me. If I had a long enough stick I would knock on the window and ask for some Grey Poupon; NYC is place I will not miss.

Although a lot of the English people appear shy in the beginning of meeting them, nothing a few drinks wouldn’t fix— I don’t find that appealing on a regular basis. Meeting many of my wife’s friends, I can see plenty of good support she has. However, still not being able to create my own friendship network, its taking its toll on me. I’m really starting to appreciate having friends of my own, trying all the time to keep in touch with friends in NYC; it’s just not the same if I can’t see any of them in person. As my life progresses I’m starting to see that the normal social patterns of the past are changing a lot, or maybe it’s just me. You know, getting a job, making friends, so on and so forth. It appears that just the job element alone condenses the opportunity to create friendships down to nothing. Of course, reaching out to friends of my wife are there, but they haven’t been as successful and well established as it would if I made them myself; maybe another six months?

Living with my wife is an adventure in itself. Learning how to live with a person you have sex, argue, laugh and cry with, is the most challenging things I’ve ever done in my life. Now I’ve seen war, women running the streets topless, children telling me they love me, and having a person shoot a gun right next me in the club scene— peace of cake. Living with a woman you love, yeah, that’s like taking a shuttle to Mars and making a civilization.

Overall England is great and I’m enjoying it as best as I can. Of course it isn’t perfect but what else in the world is—well, other than morning sex? Through life here in England, and on earth, good and bad things exist and taking those two together equally and appreciating them will enlighten the experience much more that focusing on one or the other. Staying neutral is the key.

Calm In the Mist of Chaos

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Photo taken at 233rd St, The Bronx, NYC

Standing at the platform edge in a tunnel, a man with a blue knitted hat leans over the edge to check if a train is coming. Only darkness is seen, he steps back and shifts his weight to his left leg. He looks around and sees the long faces of his fellow train riders, waiting, as they type away on their mobile phones, one woman looking at her face from the front camera. He shifts his weight to the other leg, something pinches him in his pocket. As he reaches in, he frowns questioningly at a half bent paper clip. The screeching of iron on the tracks grabs his attention as a train pulls into the station. The people and the man gather by the train door, they make a small opening for people coming out.

The train car is filled with all types of people, lucky for the man he’s entered a train that has no air conditioning. A small baby crying in the distance from discomfort, laughing teenagers discussing Pokemon cards, a woman with a disgusted look on her face — most likely from the heat. Holding on to a tiny portion of the handrail, an asian woman with a large backpack rocks back and fourth hitting his chest. The man’s frustration slowly escalates as there is no where for him to move to, no air to breathe. He notices the tension in his right ankle as he stands awkwardly to keep his balance— the train swaying this way and that way. The smell of armpits in the air, he tries hard not to breathe too deeply. Swirling the paper clip in his other hand he hears angry chatter of how hot it is in the train, as if it’ll make it any cooler he thinks to himself. He closes his eyes.

He feels the thinness of the paper clip, following the curves with his thumb, the muscles in his shoulders release as they drop a little. Slowly his feet position themselves in a way that he’s able to keep perfect balance— slowly moving the paper clip between his pointer and middle finger. He begins to see a light pouring out of his chest like a small waterfall, bouncing off the ground, the light flows, filling up throughout the train car. The light streams out of the windows, like fire blowing in the wind. A puncture of light comes out of his back, flooding the train car more. The white light, seeping through the connecting doors, finds its way, filling up each of the ten train cars. He can see the entire train as it appears to be blaring down the tracks, spraying white light at each station. Ripples of light radiating from his body, each person drenched in brilliant white light. He feels tingles in his toes as his fingers on the handrail loosen.

The man opens his eyes. Only four people are in the train car, lips hanging from their face, fast asleep. He realises he missed his stop. He looks down to see the paper clip on the floor, no longer bent but in its perfect form. He sits down, picks up the paper clip and rides the train until the end of the line, allowing his day to end when it feels like it.

How Quickly Life Can Change

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Photo taken near the country side of Mottisfont, UK

Of all the many little things I’ve noticed in England, driving has stood out the most to me recently. Not that fact that they drive on the left, but how drivers don’t heed to the people walking. This of course increases your awareness when crossing the street, however, it made me reflect on how your life could end in an instant.

Taking a shower one day, I came to a strong realisation— a lot are buzzing around these past few days and weeks— that we are living so tightly to our rules, standards and how we want things to go specifically, all for it to just disappear when we die. Some of you may think this will turn out to be some cheesy blog about living your life to the fullest and such, but the hell with that. Take a good look at life, go outside and just look. Watch carefully how some people walk right out into oncoming traffic, how some walk directly to the crosswalk and wait until that blaring beep noise goes off in order to make it across the street safely — its like that in England. I know, I know, it’s for the blind, but I think it’s more for the seeing. I have to question: What the hell are we doing in life? More importantly, what in the hell am I doing in life?

Asking myself these questions throughout my life, I’m trying so hard to do the things I love to do in my life. Doing my mediations, staying focused, keeping myself light, calm and clear in order to reach the goals I set for myself. However, many reasons are floating around in the cosmos as to why I haven’t been able to do what I love with full force. I honestly just don’t want my life to end without doing everything I can to make it the best. Also the chronic urge to help people within my reach and send out love to all — the low key humanitarian in me. Well, even that isn’t going as well since many backs have turned.

Writing this, I’m thinking how this is turning more into a journal entry than a blog. I know for a fact that many who may come across this writing may have been asking themselves the same questions. Of course they’re answers, but no one can give them to you other than you. As for me, I understand the old ways of thinking are falling away, transitioning into new ones. Facing my fears and breaking new ground is really showing me the possibilities of reaching what I want in life. They’re becoming more and more apparent, kind of like when a shark shows it’s dorsal fin on the surface of the water— you know it’s a shark! As the situations, people and opportunities in life, they’re there, right below the transparent surface. How interesting it is to have to go through so many experiences and meet so many people in order to do the very thing you’ve desired from childhood. I consistently think: what a waste of time. Then, realise when you do get to the destination, it was a great ride to get there and all you want to do is go on the ride again.

Kambô; From Poison to Medicine: Session 2

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Photo taken right after session 2, the dark spots over the dots are dragons blood

After doing the first Kambô session (Kambô; From Poison to Medicine: Session 1), four weeks passed before doing the second session. During those four weeks, several new aspects of awareness were, let me say, activated.

Three days after the first session, the energy level in my body increased. I would wake up every morning feeling refreshed and brand new. My mind had less chatter, it felt like I was sitting in an open field with a cool breeze blowing on me. Meditations were deeper and more enriching, as well as my ability to do shadow work and heal my emotional bodies; there was certainly a huge shift taking place. Integrating these aspects of myself opened up so many feelings, discoveries and mysteries I had been trying to find answers to for many years. I just didn’t think it would take me getting married to an English woman, moving to England, doing Kambô and finally reaching these depths of myself, as I had thought I would be able to do it on my own in NYC. However, life does its thing, where you must go through certain experiences before gaining new knowledge. The following weeks leading up to the second session of Kambô seemed to go by very quickly. There are other blogs that cover the types of meditations I did, The Inner Children and The Inner Children 2.

Back in the same room as the first session, the day was filled with sun and warm energy. It was nice to have the yellow rays of light coming in through the window to join us as we sat on the floor waiting for the practitioner to finish his preparations. There were fewer people now, my wife and I decided to sit a little closer to the beginning of the line, as we wanted to have more time to relax after the session was over. This time around, my wife went before me and I got to see her go through the process, which was nice. The Kambô seemed to be going through people’s system a lot faster that day. My wife turned ultra red only after the first dot of medicine was applied— I thought: “Here comes the roller-coaster ride!”

I drank my six pints of water and went up to where the practitioner was waiting for me; eleven dots burned into my left arm. The first piece of medicine was placed, I waited, taking in a deep breath, listening for my heart beat to begin echoing. I looked up slightly, earlier they had closed the curtain over the large windows, but a streak of sunlight was shining through the top of the room. I looked closely at the dust floating in the light and suddenly I felt so wonderful in my body. Heat rushed over me like I was putting a winter coat on, heart fluttering like an orange and black butterfly on a summer morning. I inhaled deeply and visualized pulsating rainbow colored light coming off my body, it was unbelievable how great I felt. Once all of my eleven dots were covered with the medicine, I went back to my spot next to my wife, placing my bucket between my legs. I slowly rocked, side to side, as I could feel the swaying energy in the room. Two helpers sat with me, one in front of me fanning palo santo, the other, on my right with her left hand on the middle of my back. I had more awareness around me more than the first session. I could almost respond better as well — then it hit me. It felt like a napkin absorbing water, it wasn’t a nice feeling; that’s when I knew it was time for work. I shifted my body several times so that I could purge properly and not lean awkwardly. Suddenly I could hear a rattle instrument behind me. I opened my eyes slightly and I could see it was the practitioner, I also saw my wife almost completely recovered, smiling gently at me.

Having eleven dots meant there was going to be much deeper work, and it sure felt like it. After I purged every ounce of water out of my stomach, the practitioner removed the Kambô and things started to feel like they were under control again, although I still felt a bit heavy as I think I had more to purge but couldn’t. I laid on my mat for a long while, my body temperature dropped and I felt like I had just run twenty miles. I definitely felt the complete opposite than at the beginning of the session. Uneasiness left with me that day.

In two weeks will be the final Kambô session and I will write about what I went through leading up to then. Any further questions please leave them in the comments blow. Until then, be good.