Poetry: Inhale and Exhale

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Photo taken at Stow, UK

In with the new, like a toy, unable to leave this unique and unusual element alone.
The increase in Eros throughout my being gives rise to excitement, like the rush from sugar, sweetness engulfs my soul.
In with the new, the muscles of my face less used, with a smile. The art of life drawn on my blank canvas with all the colors of the rainbow.
Fluid and free, I Inhale the essence of existence to automate my shifting energy through the space of my four walls.

Out with old, the full trash can of decomposing emotions, recycling in its release.
The contraction of my being causing pain of change, the elements I wish to keep are allowed to leave, whether I want it, or not.
The freewill of the universe resides in my bloodstream, flowing down to my feet and up to my heart, the circulation carrying the oxygen of dead cells — on the Exhale.
What no longer is needed withers in the invisible substance that floats around our anatomy. I am safe in knowing I no longer need to keep, what I thought I worked so hard to reach.

Take a deep breath……..Now, let it out, be at peace.

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Kambô; From Poison to Medicine: Session 3 (Final)

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Photo take at the session

The weeks leading up to the final session, a number of concepts, ideas, and “ah-ha” moments have come into my reality. From understanding what a vibration match means, I’ve finally seen in full why my wife and I are a match and what our growth together entails. Along with finding the rhythm of my being, knowing what it is I want out of life and pursuing it without all the doubts and conditioning that were interfering with my mind. You know, the ideas our parents pass down to us that turn into introjections, which follows us everywhere we go — even while we sleep. About five weeks went by leading to the final session, which was the weekend after the huge solar eclipse (March 20th). I can’t help but think that the universe knows exactly when to do things, especially in this time of awakening.

My wife and I drove over to Glastonbury really early that morning. We wanted to catch the first session of the day so we could enjoy the rest of the afternoon — to fulfil my hungry wife’s urge to eat. We were the first to arrive and rushed in as we had to use the toilet; it was a new599d22a0f56669e57a87be4c486d2012f912c4b13ad7d057c5c31bb3550614a0 venue for us and we liked it much more than the other one, despite the stiff coldness of the room. We wanted to be the first ones to go, we were much more confident than the last two times and my wife’s hunger was growing bigger each time. When she went up, very quickly, the medicine took its effect and her skin turned as red as a stop signal. The majority of the people in the room were on their first time doing Kambô, so it was good for them to see some veterans step up to the plate. A man who sat next to me, who had done Ayahuasca a few times, looked nervous. I reassured him that it was fine and it wouldn’t last very long. That came from me, who was about to have sixteen dots applied. The more dots you have, the deeper the medicine goes, and probably that much more intense.

As soon as my wife went back to her spot, I was called up next since a lot of work had to be done on me. I went on up, not a worry in the world but with all eyes on me. Everyone knew the amount of dots I was about to get and even the practitioner, jokingly, told me that he wasn’t responsible for what might happen to me. I sat down, on what appeared to be a preschool chair, and rolled up my shirt on my left arm. A woman sat in my view and she kept her eyes on me, she had really cool indian looking pants on that were brown and baggy — earlier, I had noticed her doing some stretches like she does yoga. The practitioner applied the burns while I was still drinking my last pint of water. I felt super relaxed and ready to see what would happen with this final experience. The room was lit with the dark clouds outside, I wished the sun was out so I could really get into the mood; the first dot of medicine was applied. I opened and closed my eyes, the gushing sound of water hitting a bucket, my wife had started purging; at that moment I didn’t realise how quickly she had started. The sounds of my heart beat started to become much more noticeable, the medicine’s effect was in the ON position. I opened my eyes and saw the woman looking at me, I told her, “Don’t be alarmed by what you see, I am totally fine.” Half way through having the rest of the medicine applied, the practitioner asked if he could take photos of the medicine on my arm. I allowed him, a long with a few others in the room. Then, I noticed that I was no longer going to be able to get up. The medicine seemed to have travelled where it needed to go in my body, in a flash. The practitioner came close to my left ear and asked if I could get up — I couldn’t answer. He told me to stay there, 4949669126ddaee5601cd15c41eee392f15efdad6b970e124bf41b93b859b240and he grabbed his drum. Two other helpers came, I could feel one behind me with a rattler and another in front of me wafting palo santo — my eyes closed the whole time. I could feel the whole room looking at me but I wanted them to, I wanted them to see a person who had made the choice to go as deep as he could and be just fine. I swayed left and right in the preschoolers chair, thinking to myself that it was probably a bad idea. I felt the medicine seeping in even deeper, agony was afoot — get this shit out of me, I chanted to myself. I thought about the heaviness that was in me at the last session and I wanted it to come out, so I stayed with it and then; I purged. I cheered myself on, as one would do when they see a hero in a movie or T.V show finally get that left hook on the bad guy. I purged beautifully and I was assisted back to my spot next to my wife.

It didn’t take long before I recovered, much quicker than the last two sessions; I was amazed by how I felt. I pictured myself as a clear being with no murkiness — squeaky clean. I cleared my throat and I felt the urge to “oum,” but I got too shy and kept it in. I laid back and allowed myself to relax, my body felt like it had been through two marathon runs; I wrapped myself up in mine and my wife’s blankets.

It took me about three days to recover from this session, I felt like laying down all the time and when eating I had to do so slowly so I wouldn’t bring it back up. Wherever the Kambô medicine went, it went super deep and a number of emotional things came up, which were triggered and integrated during the recovery time. It’s only today, after writing this I feel like I’m fully in my body.

If after reading these blogs, Session 1 and Session 2, you may get a fearful feeling; that’s your ego trying to protect you. Tell that dude or dudette that it’s completely fine, however, if you want to have a Kambô session, be prepared for your shadows to surface. Have the bravery to take on these shadow and integrate them. Your shadows are what are keeping you from achieving what it is you desire in your life, whether that be from relationships to money. Face these shadows and all that which you want in your life will be in reach because you WILL believe it is. Thank you all for reading these blogs and be safe.

How to REALLY Find Your Purpose

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Photo taken at Mottisfont, UK

“We’re not here because we’re free; we’re here because we’re not free. There’s no escaping reason, no denying purpose, for as we both know, without purpose we would not exist. It is purpose that created us, purpose that connects us, purpose that pulls us, that guides us, that drives us; it is purpose that defines us, purpose that binds us. We are here because of you, Mr. Anderson. We’re here to take from you what you tried to take from us. Purpose.”— Smith, The Matrix Reloaded.

Anytime I hear people talk about finding their purpose, I think about what Smith says and I can’t help but agree. Purpose does drive us and guide us, for if we didn’t have purpose, what would be the whole point? At the same time, Smith makes another very interesting point: “We’re not here because we’re free; we’re here because we’re not free.” He’s not saying we’re not free to make choices, but rather not free from our purpose that is deep within our being, waiting to come out.

Purpose can be understood in two ways here: purpose in life, in other words something that will enrich you and the people around you, or: the purpose you’re supposed to do. “Supposed” is a very offsetting word, it could lead you down the path of doing things you really don’t want to. It’s recommended to drop supposed from your vocabulary and see how much it changes your views on things, and how much of a choice you have. There is one thing I know that is very true, and I want you to read this very carefully: You’ve already determined — before you began this life — what your purpose is, you’re only here to remember what that was and to perform it in this world.

People ask the most important question when everything appears to go completely wrong: “What is my purpose?” And, “Why the hell am I here on this planet?” Answers to these questions are never easy, because of the amount of distractions in our lives that we deal with on a daily basis. These days more and more people are starting to realize that they hate their jobs, you see it everywhere, and it’s becoming a more commonly talked topic among friends. If you’re one of those people who can’t wait until Friday or watches the clock closely until it’s 5pm, or the end of your shift, then you’re in this category. It sucks; you want to get out of there, never come back… but… you need the money to pay your bills, buy food and allow you to do the things you choose to do. You need that job, or else, you won’t survive — that’s what the majority of people say to themselves each day to keep them going. At the same time, this is the same thing that keeps you going in the ever lasting circle of tiredness, grumpiness, settling for less, thinking you can’t do more with your life, etc. On top of that, if you don’t do it, you won’t be accepted socially and often times, you’ll feel (or they’ll tell you) that you’re disappointing your family. What are we supposed to do?

To really find your purpose requires compassion, discipline, and motivation — lots and lots of discipline. The first thing you have to realize is that the things you need in your life are very valid. Yes, you need money to have a place to sleep, eat, etc. There isn’t any reason to deny or try to cover up that basic fact, however, your purpose can fulfil those needs, but only if you let them. Let’s step back for a moment; let’s say you have a job you hate already and you just want to know what your purpose is, because by knowing it you’ll feel a little more confident about pursuing your purpose. The amount of time needed to find your purpose can take from ten minutes to ten years — that’s where the discipline comes in, so don’t beat yourself up about the time frame. Breathe, here’s what you need to do:

For a little while, drop the whole idea about needing to survive, the world won’t explode if you spend time thinking about what you really want in life for a little while. Relax, turn off the T.V., ask someone to look after the kids, close your eyes on the train or bus, rid yourself of the distractions and think about what you really like to do. Go as far back as to when you were a small child; what did you love doing? What made you smile the most? What made the time just fly by when you did it? Let the answers come to you, don’t worry about time, relax and allow the answers to reach you — this is where compassion comes in, because you’ll doubt the first thought that’ll come into your mind and then the whole judging process will begin. Instead of judging those thoughts, follow them and see where they take you. Repeat it: What do I love to do? What makes me feel good about myself? If you don’t know then rephrase the question: What would I love to do? What would make me feel good about myself when I do it? For some it’ll just come, take note about how happy or joyful you feel. A few might run into some blocks, but ride those thoughts you think were what you liked until you do. Many others might not come up with anything, if you come up dry, there is a task you’ll need to do for fifteen days — yes, some more discipline here.

For the first week, twice a day, think of something that would give you the highest joy in the very moment. This could be telling a friend a funny joke or doing a small drawing during your lunch break. You can choose when and where to do it, but to get the best effect from it, do it right in the middle of something else — that’s right, be a little crazy and take a chance. Then, write down what you did and keep it handy. The second week, do it three times every day and document it. Once you’ve completed that, go back to asking yourself the questions in the paragraph above.

Motivation is going to be the biggest anchor to the whole process, tied in with some more discipline. Keep in mind your biggest motivation is the job you hate right now, so focus as much as you can on finding your purpose so you can either A. get the hell out of there, or B. feel happier in yourself and make your work environment a pleasant one. Know and believe that your purpose is there, you haven’t gone through you whole life not knowing what you love — that’s impossible. Something, somewhere, gave a hint to what it is and you must play the detective role to find it — be Batman about it. There are plenty of inspirational materials out there, however, that won’t keep you going. You, are going to have to keep you going. Once you’ve accepted that you’re the one in control of your life, you’ve found all the power!

Overall, if you’re already asking yourself these questions, you’re already on the way. If you haven’t realized, your purpose is there waiting for you to discover it and you’ve got to dig for it. Dig for it like you need money so you can quit that job you hate, dig for it like you need air to breathe, dig for it as if someone is holding a gun to your head. Dig, then dig some more. Have compassion for yourself and don’t give up, because otherwise you’re going to end up feeling like crap in a few weeks time when the whole cycle starts again. Don’t go in circles. Don’t give up on you.

Never give up!

Theories: What a Vibrational Match Means

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Photo taken in my living room..

There’s a phrase that gets used a lot in the “spiritual” community “Being a vibrational match to — fill in the blank”. For those who have stumbled across this blog or just don’t know what it is, I’ll be explaining — to the best of my ability — what this actually means. For the most part, I’ll be explaining what it means to be a vibrational match to people and or circumstances in life. Don’t worry, this’ll probably be much more entertaining than informative.

Before we get into the meat of what a vibrational match is, we need to understand what vibration means. Of course, it sounds just like what it is, but, in this particular context , it means much more than you might think. Everything that’s in existence has a vibration to it, a type of frequency. If you could imagine colours, each colour has a code. For example: FF000 is a colour shade for yellow, and 74DF00 is a colour shade for green. As colours gets more complicated so does the combinations of numbers, just as when it comes to people, and the complexities give off their own unique value. Frequency plays a big role when it comes to vibration matching. The universal example that’s often used is; having cable television with five hundred plus channels. By switching to each channel, you’re tuned into what that channel has to show — all the while the other channels are still running in real time. To be a match to those channels depends on what you’re interested in viewing. All of this goes on in our life; we think a particular thing and somewhere in our reality it will appear, it can present itself very subtly or it can scream in your face like a angry monkey in Gibraltar.

Take a moment and think about something in your life you thought about first, before an indication of it came in your reality — a friend? Being in a relationship? A camera you like? Shoes you want to buy? This isn’t to be confused with full on conscious manifestation, however, these frequencies of thought that you’re tapping into are physically bringing you into the reality of other people, places or things that are similar to what your original thought was. For example, if you were thinking about getting a loved one a gift for their birthday; on your way home you’d hear someone else talk about buying a gift for someone, or you’d see a billboard on the side of a bus referring to “getting the perfect gift,” as it drove on by. You, were a vibrational match to those people walking down the street next to you and being at the right moment and time to see the billboard.

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Photo from nord5g.com

As things become more intricate, you start to see that there are high vibrations and low vibrations. High vibrations are simply frequencies with more complexities, while low vibration have less complexities. A Japanese doctor named Masaru Emoto who did experiments on water saw that words and thoughts can create higher or lower vibrations. The diagram (above) shows a super close up shot of water with the prescribed set of words with them. As you can see when it comes to positive words, much more complex and pleasant images are formed in comparison to the negative words. This further proves that vibrations even exist even within our bodies—and how we think effects our vibration and thus shifts our frequency. And, since our bodies are about fifty to sixty percent water, that can be a lot of toxicity or healthy thoughts floating around already.

If we are thinking a massive amount of negative thoughts, this then creates a negative vibration throughout the body. Doing that long enough would bring something — physically — into our reality which was a vibrational match to those thoughts and feelings. For example: If you told yourself that you’re worthless and no one will recognise you for the talents you have. Those thoughts would create a lower vibration in your body and thus propel you into a reality where you’re a vibrational match to people, places and circumstances that do not even see your talents, but just walk on by. The same goes for positive thoughts.

Now, if you thought the vibrational frequencies only worked on a conscious level, then, you’re not seeing the bigger picture. These vibrations also work on a subconscious level, meaning, even though you thought up something minutes or days ago, those same people, places, and circumstances can arise and without any conscious awareness. Ever said to yourself “I can’t believe this is happening?” or “Why me!” or “Why is this happening to me now?” Yes, that is because of your subconscious— and many times conscious — thoughts that you tell yourself and are being brought, periodically, into your reality. There is a force out there that is consistently working to provide you with what you want, and just by telling yourself you don’t want something, is a want.

Recently, I decided to test this theory on Facebook. Since I would say I have a large variety of people on my friends list, I knew I could get all kinds material shot at me — and at a quick pace. It took a lot of thinking but I did see that many of the things that were showing up on my newsfeed were thoughts I had had, either earlier in the day, a few days ago, or had worried about briefly. I didn’t stop there, I’ve also taken a much more conscious look at my reality when interacting with people in the real world and it’s the same thing, even if I am not talking to those people directly, still places and circumstances were provided based on what I was thinking. And yes, it does take a lot of practice and awareness to see these things because we become distracted very easily. It’s a beautiful day, interesting people walk by, someone does something funny, you’re too busy thinking about the next thing, then all of a sudden something happens, which was a result of a thought, thought long ago.

So, how does one place themselves in a higher vibration in order to bring wonderful and positive people, places and circumstances? It’s very simple; think positively as much as you can. Don’t get me wrong — I said it was simple, not easy. However, that’s all you have to do. How you get there is up to you. You have to know what it is you want out of life, and then trust in those positive thoughts. It’s easy to fall into negativity because we look to the outside world first instead of the inside. But, give it a try, think of something small and build up from there.

Do you know what a vibrational match means and have you noticed them in your life?

A Night’s Dream

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Photo taken at NewForest, UK

Brushing my teeth with my wife, we giggle as we try to understand each other as we speak at the same time. The faucet running in the background, waiting for the water to warm up. We go to the bedroom, I lay my head down on my comfy pillow, noticing the muscles in my back release instantly. My wife turns off the little crystal lamp we got as a wedding gift; I can almost feel like the energy of the crystal emanating in the room when the light is on. Immediate darkness captures the room, a short snuggle before drifting off into another world.

All sorts of colours emerge, almost like looking at a moving painting. The sky, filled with so much blue that it feels like there isn’t any ground under me—I’m laying flat on my bed, I turn to my left to see my wife’s back. I look outward and fields of grass are swaying in the breeze. I turn over to my right and a computer is there with Facebook open. My friend Blake’s face showing up near the chat bar, a warm feeling fills my heart. I’m typing to him but I can hear his voice too, a phone in my hand appears. Blake tells me that everything is going fine at the new workshop he’s put together for our friend Teal. I feel deeply proud of him for doing such a great job, his voice fills my heart as he tells me he needs to go. I lean back and look up into the sky, six very big bumble bees glide over me. Taking notice of the branches of a tree, I look intently at the details in the yellow leaves, wondrous and lush. Behind the trees the number nine-forms in the sky, as if planes were drawing it; my phone rings. When I answer, it’s a soft familiar voice, “Hey Kevin, its Teal, I’m calling you back now, I’m sorry I didn’t call back sooner.” Feeling the connection with her, as if we have known each for years and years and years and years. Hearing the noise of the audience in the background I say to her, “Oh there you are, you’re about to go on, huh?” She tells me she wanted to hear how I was and I explained to her some of the new insights I had come across. I finally ask her, “How can I get back to knowing what people truly feel?” She replied without hesitation, “Fear.” I asked her to repeat because it makes no sense, she says,“Fear.” Taking a pause to reflect on what she has said, I look over to my left and the biggest tsunami takes shape not to far from me—I can’t believe the wonder of it all. Suddenly, and equally as huge, killer whales swim into sight; I yell into the phone, “Oh my god Teal! The most amazing thing is happening!” I continued to watch, three, four, five killer whales swimming in the tsunami wave—and in a blink of an eye, they reduce in size to fit into a fish tank. Things calm down and I apologise to Teal about yelling into the phone. She tells me she needs to go since it is time to start the workshop. I tell her it will be my turn to call her back next time and she sounds delighted to hear it. I wake up, the sun beating on the blinds in the bedroom, back in the real world.

The dream left me so happy, laying next to my wife, I reflected back on the events in the dream. I questioned Teal’s answer to my question along with the other symbols in my dream. I get up and look for my dream book, decoding is afoot.

England Thus Far

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Photo taken at Mottisfont, UK

In a few weeks it’ll be six months since I’ve moved from NYC to Southampton, UK, holy crap has the time been zipping by. It should be a crime for time to be going to fast—write time a ticket!

Being a lovely place to live in, Southampton is a great place to ground yourself off of the super fast paced city life. It’s wonderful to be able to look outside my window and see a field of grass and trees. The house I lived in the Bronx, looking out I would see the white, dingy exterior of the house next to me. If I had a long enough stick I would knock on the window and ask for some Grey Poupon; NYC is place I will not miss.

Although a lot of the English people appear shy in the beginning of meeting them, nothing a few drinks wouldn’t fix— I don’t find that appealing on a regular basis. Meeting many of my wife’s friends, I can see plenty of good support she has. However, still not being able to create my own friendship network, its taking its toll on me. I’m really starting to appreciate having friends of my own, trying all the time to keep in touch with friends in NYC; it’s just not the same if I can’t see any of them in person. As my life progresses I’m starting to see that the normal social patterns of the past are changing a lot, or maybe it’s just me. You know, getting a job, making friends, so on and so forth. It appears that just the job element alone condenses the opportunity to create friendships down to nothing. Of course, reaching out to friends of my wife are there, but they haven’t been as successful and well established as it would if I made them myself; maybe another six months?

Living with my wife is an adventure in itself. Learning how to live with a person you have sex, argue, laugh and cry with, is the most challenging things I’ve ever done in my life. Now I’ve seen war, women running the streets topless, children telling me they love me, and having a person shoot a gun right next me in the club scene— peace of cake. Living with a woman you love, yeah, that’s like taking a shuttle to Mars and making a civilization.

Overall England is great and I’m enjoying it as best as I can. Of course it isn’t perfect but what else in the world is—well, other than morning sex? Through life here in England, and on earth, good and bad things exist and taking those two together equally and appreciating them will enlighten the experience much more that focusing on one or the other. Staying neutral is the key.

How Quickly Life Can Change

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Photo taken near the country side of Mottisfont, UK

Of all the many little things I’ve noticed in England, driving has stood out the most to me recently. Not that fact that they drive on the left, but how drivers don’t heed to the people walking. This of course increases your awareness when crossing the street, however, it made me reflect on how your life could end in an instant.

Taking a shower one day, I came to a strong realisation— a lot are buzzing around these past few days and weeks— that we are living so tightly to our rules, standards and how we want things to go specifically, all for it to just disappear when we die. Some of you may think this will turn out to be some cheesy blog about living your life to the fullest and such, but the hell with that. Take a good look at life, go outside and just look. Watch carefully how some people walk right out into oncoming traffic, how some walk directly to the crosswalk and wait until that blaring beep noise goes off in order to make it across the street safely — its like that in England. I know, I know, it’s for the blind, but I think it’s more for the seeing. I have to question: What the hell are we doing in life? More importantly, what in the hell am I doing in life?

Asking myself these questions throughout my life, I’m trying so hard to do the things I love to do in my life. Doing my mediations, staying focused, keeping myself light, calm and clear in order to reach the goals I set for myself. However, many reasons are floating around in the cosmos as to why I haven’t been able to do what I love with full force. I honestly just don’t want my life to end without doing everything I can to make it the best. Also the chronic urge to help people within my reach and send out love to all — the low key humanitarian in me. Well, even that isn’t going as well since many backs have turned.

Writing this, I’m thinking how this is turning more into a journal entry than a blog. I know for a fact that many who may come across this writing may have been asking themselves the same questions. Of course they’re answers, but no one can give them to you other than you. As for me, I understand the old ways of thinking are falling away, transitioning into new ones. Facing my fears and breaking new ground is really showing me the possibilities of reaching what I want in life. They’re becoming more and more apparent, kind of like when a shark shows it’s dorsal fin on the surface of the water— you know it’s a shark! As the situations, people and opportunities in life, they’re there, right below the transparent surface. How interesting it is to have to go through so many experiences and meet so many people in order to do the very thing you’ve desired from childhood. I consistently think: what a waste of time. Then, realise when you do get to the destination, it was a great ride to get there and all you want to do is go on the ride again.