A Night’s Dream

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Photo taken at NewForest, UK

Brushing my teeth with my wife, we giggle as we try to understand each other as we speak at the same time. The faucet running in the background, waiting for the water to warm up. We go to the bedroom, I lay my head down on my comfy pillow, noticing the muscles in my back release instantly. My wife turns off the little crystal lamp we got as a wedding gift; I can almost feel like the energy of the crystal emanating in the room when the light is on. Immediate darkness captures the room, a short snuggle before drifting off into another world.

All sorts of colours emerge, almost like looking at a moving painting. The sky, filled with so much blue that it feels like there isn’t any ground under me—I’m laying flat on my bed, I turn to my left to see my wife’s back. I look outward and fields of grass are swaying in the breeze. I turn over to my right and a computer is there with Facebook open. My friend Blake’s face showing up near the chat bar, a warm feeling fills my heart. I’m typing to him but I can hear his voice too, a phone in my hand appears. Blake tells me that everything is going fine at the new workshop he’s put together for our friend Teal. I feel deeply proud of him for doing such a great job, his voice fills my heart as he tells me he needs to go. I lean back and look up into the sky, six very big bumble bees glide over me. Taking notice of the branches of a tree, I look intently at the details in the yellow leaves, wondrous and lush. Behind the trees the number nine-forms in the sky, as if planes were drawing it; my phone rings. When I answer, it’s a soft familiar voice, “Hey Kevin, its Teal, I’m calling you back now, I’m sorry I didn’t call back sooner.” Feeling the connection with her, as if we have known each for years and years and years and years. Hearing the noise of the audience in the background I say to her, “Oh there you are, you’re about to go on, huh?” She tells me she wanted to hear how I was and I explained to her some of the new insights I had come across. I finally ask her, “How can I get back to knowing what people truly feel?” She replied without hesitation, “Fear.” I asked her to repeat because it makes no sense, she says,“Fear.” Taking a pause to reflect on what she has said, I look over to my left and the biggest tsunami takes shape not to far from me—I can’t believe the wonder of it all. Suddenly, and equally as huge, killer whales swim into sight; I yell into the phone, “Oh my god Teal! The most amazing thing is happening!” I continued to watch, three, four, five killer whales swimming in the tsunami wave—and in a blink of an eye, they reduce in size to fit into a fish tank. Things calm down and I apologise to Teal about yelling into the phone. She tells me she needs to go since it is time to start the workshop. I tell her it will be my turn to call her back next time and she sounds delighted to hear it. I wake up, the sun beating on the blinds in the bedroom, back in the real world.

The dream left me so happy, laying next to my wife, I reflected back on the events in the dream. I questioned Teal’s answer to my question along with the other symbols in my dream. I get up and look for my dream book, decoding is afoot.

Poetry: Stepping Forward

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Photo taken at Mottisfont, UK

Moving, causing pain that will never leave my mind.
Forever apart of me, it will never disappear from sight.
The subconscious, the eye behind the eyelid, watches endlessly.
A motion I do not desire, forward, I urge to not move.

Change, away from the same, away from the safety.
Each day propels me to alter myself, a tiresome effort with little payoff.
Expectations lead me to doubt, my wants crumble at my feet.
Recapturing the pieces of a broken heart, with no substances can put back together.

Shifting, the numbness of my arm, I’ve laid too long.
Struggling against the temptation to ease the agony, resistance—my friend.
A heavy body I push to keep still, yet, the weight of emotions escalates.
Awareness of my lack of awareness, the darkness is where I reside.

Ahead, the unknown waiting for, frozen in my foot steps.
Gripped by the fear of stepping forward, I paralyze my own limbs in a coma.
Daring not to dream, I don’t want my prize.
My own light, my own shadows, I walk the line of al-oneness.

Kambô; From Poison to Medicine: Session 2

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Photo taken right after session 2, the dark spots over the dots are dragons blood

After doing the first Kambô session (Kambô; From Poison to Medicine: Session 1), four weeks passed before doing the second session. During those four weeks, several new aspects of awareness were, let me say, activated.

Three days after the first session, the energy level in my body increased. I would wake up every morning feeling refreshed and brand new. My mind had less chatter, it felt like I was sitting in an open field with a cool breeze blowing on me. Meditations were deeper and more enriching, as well as my ability to do shadow work and heal my emotional bodies; there was certainly a huge shift taking place. Integrating these aspects of myself opened up so many feelings, discoveries and mysteries I had been trying to find answers to for many years. I just didn’t think it would take me getting married to an English woman, moving to England, doing Kambô and finally reaching these depths of myself, as I had thought I would be able to do it on my own in NYC. However, life does its thing, where you must go through certain experiences before gaining new knowledge. The following weeks leading up to the second session of Kambô seemed to go by very quickly. There are other blogs that cover the types of meditations I did, The Inner Children and The Inner Children 2.

Back in the same room as the first session, the day was filled with sun and warm energy. It was nice to have the yellow rays of light coming in through the window to join us as we sat on the floor waiting for the practitioner to finish his preparations. There were fewer people now, my wife and I decided to sit a little closer to the beginning of the line, as we wanted to have more time to relax after the session was over. This time around, my wife went before me and I got to see her go through the process, which was nice. The Kambô seemed to be going through people’s system a lot faster that day. My wife turned ultra red only after the first dot of medicine was applied— I thought: “Here comes the roller-coaster ride!”

I drank my six pints of water and went up to where the practitioner was waiting for me; eleven dots burned into my left arm. The first piece of medicine was placed, I waited, taking in a deep breath, listening for my heart beat to begin echoing. I looked up slightly, earlier they had closed the curtain over the large windows, but a streak of sunlight was shining through the top of the room. I looked closely at the dust floating in the light and suddenly I felt so wonderful in my body. Heat rushed over me like I was putting a winter coat on, heart fluttering like an orange and black butterfly on a summer morning. I inhaled deeply and visualized pulsating rainbow colored light coming off my body, it was unbelievable how great I felt. Once all of my eleven dots were covered with the medicine, I went back to my spot next to my wife, placing my bucket between my legs. I slowly rocked, side to side, as I could feel the swaying energy in the room. Two helpers sat with me, one in front of me fanning palo santo, the other, on my right with her left hand on the middle of my back. I had more awareness around me more than the first session. I could almost respond better as well — then it hit me. It felt like a napkin absorbing water, it wasn’t a nice feeling; that’s when I knew it was time for work. I shifted my body several times so that I could purge properly and not lean awkwardly. Suddenly I could hear a rattle instrument behind me. I opened my eyes slightly and I could see it was the practitioner, I also saw my wife almost completely recovered, smiling gently at me.

Having eleven dots meant there was going to be much deeper work, and it sure felt like it. After I purged every ounce of water out of my stomach, the practitioner removed the Kambô and things started to feel like they were under control again, although I still felt a bit heavy as I think I had more to purge but couldn’t. I laid on my mat for a long while, my body temperature dropped and I felt like I had just run twenty miles. I definitely felt the complete opposite than at the beginning of the session. Uneasiness left with me that day.

In two weeks will be the final Kambô session and I will write about what I went through leading up to then. Any further questions please leave them in the comments blow. Until then, be good.

True Stories: A Milkshake

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Disclaimer: The following story happened a year ago in NYC.

For some reason after watching a T.V. show, I wanted to have a milkshake. After countless stomach pains I got from having milkshakes in the past, I was a bit reluctant about the idea of going through the discomfort. However, I still wanted to experience the sensation of sipping on a strawberry shake through a straw while watching more shows on Netflix. I decided to take a trip to Burger King, which was right across the street from where I lived.

Standing in line, all I thought about was the agony I was going to feel after drinking it. I questioned myself: Why in the hell am I getting this if I all I’m going to do is suffer after? As I was about to turn around and leave, I remember a experiment that Dr. Masaru Emoto did involving how thoughts, words and music change the molecular structure of water in both positive and negative ways; I wanted my milkshake to have as much positivity as possible so my stomach wouldn’t suffer. Since the people making the milkshake were behind the counter and did not have enough time to attach words to the cup or play music, I’d have to get positivity into it from a different angle. I figured if I got the people preparing the milkshake to do so with a positive intention then I could get what I wanted. But, how exactly could I do that?

Approaching the counter, still not sure about what to do, I asked for my milkshake but then proceeded to ask: “Can you put some extra love in it please?” The woman behind the counter looked me straight in the eyes and said, “What’s love?” I made a bewildered face and said, “You don’t know what love is?!” The woman snickered and looked over to another woman at the drive-thru window. She called out to her and the woman looked back at her. “Do we have love here?” she asked jokingly. The people behind me started to laugh, I tried to keep a serious face as I was determined to get love into my milkshake. The woman by the drive-thru said “I don’t know what that is.” The woman behind the counter laughed out loud, then walked off to find another person in the back. She continued to ask if there was any love in the store and everyone replied questioningly. Everyone behind the counter was smiling, their faces revealing a bit of confusion. I thought to myself, I must be the craziest person to ask such a thing; my arm pits filled with sweat.

From all the smiling and lighter movements the people behind the counter were making, I wasn’t exactly sure if I achieved what I wanted— but they sure couldn’t stop talking about it. I stood there the entire time it took for my milkshake to get into my hands, sarcastic remarks flapping around the room, like a sea lion at sea-world. Even other customers had joined in and were joking about how they wanted love in their food too.

It wasn’t until later, drinking my milkshake at home and watching my T.V. shows that I realised that it did taste a lot better. Also, after a few days I noticed I didn’t have the usual harsh stomachache like I always did. I wonder if it paid off doing what I did. Or maybe, it was all in my head.

The Healing Pond

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Photo taken in Southampton

Laying on my back on the sofa, I allow the muscles in my hips, shoulders and thighs to melt into the surface of the cushions; my legs sway a little as they naturally stop in their place. The tension behind my eyes are released, the feeling of peace reverberates to the centre of my body. Rising and falling, the air in my chest flows instinctively— slowly inhale, slowly exhale. My fingers slide apart into the sofa, the palms of my hands become soft as of a lovers graze. A gentle breeze, from no where, runs up my arm as the conjoined quiver slides down my spine; a large exhale.

As I sink deeper into myself, I begin to visualise a small pond surrounded by firm palm trees; the lines in their trunks are profound and distinct. The water is forming soft ripples, gliding along the surface, as if being combed by the wind. I walk slowly towards the pond and look down into it; blue light emanating from the bottom. My curiosity takes control as I try to get a clearer look at what’s there— diving into the water. Bubbles of all sizes form around my body, a bleak grey steam dissolves off my skin into the water, I’m rotating my arms to propel me into the depths of the pond.

Plunging through the mist, the blue light becomes more refine, revealing a cluster of very large clear quartz crystals— covering the entire floor of the pond, their pointed tips facing up towards me. I float in suspension, bewildered by the amount of crystals before me. The energy they emit sends tingles throughout my body. The vibration leaving me paralysed, my body starts to drift. Losing my poise, my back is pointed towards the crystals. The blue light beginning to enter the pores of my left arm, seeping into my cells, causing them to glow white. Lines of white light extend to my heart as it circulates through my body; the incandescent light encased my entire being.

Starting from my feet going up, my body becomes fragmented. Tiny balls form as they start to vibrate faster and faster and clash into each other vigorously. From where my head used to be, a crystallized head starts to form. My crystal-quartz-transparent-human-body floats in the middle of the pond, glowing yellow aura a few inches away from me, as I attempt to move my finger tips.

I breathe steadily as I move my toes and stretch my arms. I am recreated in higher vibration; my body feeling smooth and silky against the sofa. I slowly open my eyes and bring myself back to my reality, ready to share this new energy with the world.

Solitary Breach

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Taken at Glastonbury Tor, UK

Many of my recent blogs have talked about new discoveries I’ve made about myself — there’s much more to come — however, this blog will reveal a belief I’ve had for a long time that has now been shattered and was the catalyst for a whole new course of experiences.  A few nights ago, my wife and I had a small discussion that triggered an ancient, deep wound. A wound that I dare not touch in the company of other people and, if left unchecked, would scare even a lion; at least I think it would.

My wife felt disappointed and sad as a result of circumstances with one of her friends and for some reason I was plunged into depths of the past to the time when my father first went was into prison. The memories encapsulated with the force of a Mike Tyson blow in the first round. Tears flooded out of my eyes faster than I could control them; anger, rage, body heat, muscle tension at the flip of a switch! My wife immediately grabbed me and held me in her arms, in my mind I couldn’t believe what had just happened to me. At the same time, I remembered when I was a child, standing in front of a large iron barred door, watching my father be taken back to the prison complex; my mother and baby sister standing next to me as I roared with tears of despair. To watch my father be taken away and not being able to do anything about it was self-implosive.

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I cried hard; telling my wife that I wouldn’t wish on anyone the kind of loss I felt when my father was taken away. To feel, not only the loss of the person you love most, but like your entire world has been thrown up in the air— at only the age of five or six. In many ways I question what would feel worse: To feel the pain of loss through death or the pain of loss of having someone you simply can’t touch, see or talk to anymore?

I stopped crying for a while, my wife and I got some dinner and, before I could sit down, the grips of sadness and gloom grabbed my heart, their reflexes as quick as if you were trying to catch an object before it could smash to the ground; tears, yet again, streamed out as I crouched over my chair, tear drops slamming onto the seat cover. I knew at this point I had to pay attention to this and give myself empathy. My wife asked me what she could do to ease my sadness, but I explained to her that simply being present with me was enough. I told her a specific memory I had at age sixteen:

A number of my family members came with my mother, sister and me to visit my father in prison.  Everything was fine and the visit was great, we talked, laughed and I listened to father reminiscing with my aunt and mother.  At the end of the visit, I watched my father closely as he walked away. It was then the sadness boiled up and I began to cry uncontrollably.  My aunt held me as snot filled tears flew all over my face.  I wept all the way back to the car and sobbed some more on the two hour drive back home.

As I was telling my wife this story, I saw this pain coming from a treasure box and I began to visualize that box being absorbed/integrated into my heart space. Revealed to me, was a lot of anger being kept in the box, due to not having my father around. I learned a few weeks ago that anger was the result of a need not having been met — a need for my father to be present in my life.

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After a while of talking about my feelings as they were occurring, I felt much better and we went back to what my wife was talking about prior to my volcanic-emotional melt down. I felt a deep seeded connection with my wife that night and a huge release in my heart as well— great timing. The biggest revelation is that I no longer have to carry this pain alone, nor feel like I have to. The old way of thinking was that I had to do everything by myself, that way I wouldn’t feel disappointed and let down, something I took very seriously when it comes to my emotions. However, now, it’s very important to rely on others and share the metaphorical monkey we carry on our shoulders. I can truly say I’ve finally found someone in my life that is helping me to open the door of trust; a door which is no longer a door, but a steady flow of energy to all those who are around me.

A Walk in the Sand Dunes

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Taken near Eastleigh, UK

I was leaving from my weekly college class the other day, the sun shining directly onto me in the direction I needed to walk in; you can see from the photo above. I was in a state of detachment from the world and the people around me. I looked up, the sun rays engulfed me and immediately I felt like I was walking in the middle of a desert. With traditional Japanese music playing in my wireless headphones, my journey to the train station turned into a stroll through a sand dune.

I could see myself dressed in a long brown cloak with white wool clothed material, along with a grey turban to shield me from the suns rays; walking in a vast desolate space filled with gently blowing sand. I hold a long rope that sagged in the middle, three feet in front of my camel, I walk. A clear sky, filled with an unbelievable amount of blue that you can almost touch, the sun was fixed in front of me on the street. I could imagine only seeing my foot prints behind me as I walked in a direction that only had sand as far I could see. The sounds of the music in my ears made me feel like I was a lonely merchant walking to a far new land in search for products for business and trade. As I come to a crossing, a car passes in front of me, I approached the other side walk stepping over a puddle; I blink my eyes and see in my sand dune, the heat waves rising off the ground in the distance. A small pain in the ball of my right foot propelled me to imagine the hot sand going through my sandals, the slight frictionoman-sand-dunes_1124684c between the sand and my barefoot giving me a massaging sensation. The shuffling of what was in my backpack made me think that my camel and I were walking through the hot desert than actually being in our modern city street. I walked by a school where small children were playing outside, the thought of hearing the winds moaning in the distance as I place one foot in front of the other through the sand. Feeling more removed from my current reality, I bask in my imagination that seemed much more fulfilling.

I raised my head up to the sun, letting its warmth fill my face. I imagine being at a small oasis, poring cool water over my hot sweaty head. The soothing feeling of these opposing sensations fill my heart with calmness and tranquility. At the train station I stand in a stairwell, I can hear the wind making a gentle whisper near the hand rail. I move closer and I place my hand out as the wind seeps through my fingers. The sand falling through my fingers at the oasis, the orange light of the dusk sun. The world I’ve created is coming to a close as the train pulls into the station. The music drowns out as reality is back in motion.