Poetry: Stepping Forward

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Photo taken at Mottisfont, UK

Moving, causing pain that will never leave my mind.
Forever apart of me, it will never disappear from sight.
The subconscious, the eye behind the eyelid, watches endlessly.
A motion I do not desire, forward, I urge to not move.

Change, away from the same, away from the safety.
Each day propels me to alter myself, a tiresome effort with little payoff.
Expectations lead me to doubt, my wants crumble at my feet.
Recapturing the pieces of a broken heart, with no substances can put back together.

Shifting, the numbness of my arm, I’ve laid too long.
Struggling against the temptation to ease the agony, resistance—my friend.
A heavy body I push to keep still, yet, the weight of emotions escalates.
Awareness of my lack of awareness, the darkness is where I reside.

Ahead, the unknown waiting for, frozen in my foot steps.
Gripped by the fear of stepping forward, I paralyze my own limbs in a coma.
Daring not to dream, I don’t want my prize.
My own light, my own shadows, I walk the line of al-oneness.

England Thus Far

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Photo taken at Mottisfont, UK

In a few weeks it’ll be six months since I’ve moved from NYC to Southampton, UK, holy crap has the time been zipping by. It should be a crime for time to be going to fast—write time a ticket!

Being a lovely place to live in, Southampton is a great place to ground yourself off of the super fast paced city life. It’s wonderful to be able to look outside my window and see a field of grass and trees. The house I lived in the Bronx, looking out I would see the white, dingy exterior of the house next to me. If I had a long enough stick I would knock on the window and ask for some Grey Poupon; NYC is place I will not miss.

Although a lot of the English people appear shy in the beginning of meeting them, nothing a few drinks wouldn’t fix— I don’t find that appealing on a regular basis. Meeting many of my wife’s friends, I can see plenty of good support she has. However, still not being able to create my own friendship network, its taking its toll on me. I’m really starting to appreciate having friends of my own, trying all the time to keep in touch with friends in NYC; it’s just not the same if I can’t see any of them in person. As my life progresses I’m starting to see that the normal social patterns of the past are changing a lot, or maybe it’s just me. You know, getting a job, making friends, so on and so forth. It appears that just the job element alone condenses the opportunity to create friendships down to nothing. Of course, reaching out to friends of my wife are there, but they haven’t been as successful and well established as it would if I made them myself; maybe another six months?

Living with my wife is an adventure in itself. Learning how to live with a person you have sex, argue, laugh and cry with, is the most challenging things I’ve ever done in my life. Now I’ve seen war, women running the streets topless, children telling me they love me, and having a person shoot a gun right next me in the club scene— peace of cake. Living with a woman you love, yeah, that’s like taking a shuttle to Mars and making a civilization.

Overall England is great and I’m enjoying it as best as I can. Of course it isn’t perfect but what else in the world is—well, other than morning sex? Through life here in England, and on earth, good and bad things exist and taking those two together equally and appreciating them will enlighten the experience much more that focusing on one or the other. Staying neutral is the key.